Talk Dirty to Me...

Some people really love to have their partners talk to them explicitly when engaging in intimate acts. Others are frustrated because they either can't talk dirty when turned on or are embarrassed and won't.

When a person is turned on, the part of the brain that is our primitive self (limbic), is engaged.  This part of our brain is also known to be where our emotions generate and where memories are stored.  Oftentimes, when this part of the brain is engaged, our more thinking/deductive reasoning part of the brain (cerebral cortex) is not at the forefront of our experience.

My deduction is that when the thinking part of the brain takes over, it's because we're thinking too much and, for whatever reason, not allowing ourselves to enjoy the moment.  Don't beat yourself up if you can't talk dirty.  Enjoy the other things you want to DO.

If you can't tell him or her exactly what you plan to do to him or her, that's a potentially good sign that you're turned on and your brain AND BODY is working just fine.  Have fun!

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Know Your Limits

There are days that people make requests of me, and sometimes I have a difference of opinion as to my participation in those requests.  What I mean is sometimes people will ask me to do things and I won't agree that I need to comply.  In other words, sometimes the most powerful word I know is "no."

I have found that when people ask things of me that I either do not agree with and do not engage with, the people asking get irritated.  This reaction usually occurs when people perceive they have power over me.  The only way I know to best combat these events that are always uncomfortable and rife with confrontation is to be as diplomatic as I know how and avoid speaking out of anger.  It doesn't always work, but practice makes perfect.

The bottom line for all is to know when you are not comfortable, ask for what you need, and know when to say NO.  Differences of opinion will always be there.  How you deal with them is a direct reflection of who you are and who you want to become.

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

When To Fight

There are moments when we all have to face a conflict that we'd rather not.  Those are the moments that we decide if we want our inner warrior to surface, if we try to be the peacemaker, or if we decide to fight another day.  There are other choices, but these are usually at the top of the list.

I've learned to pick my battles.  I used to fight for everything that I thought was important, not realizing that so many things are not as important as they seem in the moment.  The way I can tell if I need to fight for something is I can feel a sensation deep in the pit of my stomach.  My body has always been clear to me, even when my mind can muddle things.  When I feel that gut reaction, I know it is time for me to push back.  But how?

Fighting for what I need usually does not take the form of an argument.  If I cannot articulate a thoughtful, compelling reason for my needs being met, often those needs shared in the form of requests are ignored.  That's step one.  After which, if I am still willing to fight, I will state my case more plainly without blame. 

Rarely, if ever, do I resort to anger.  Though I may feel it, I have also learned two crucial truths about anger:
1. People often dismiss people who are angry as someone who cannot be rational, therefor what is being asked for is not worthy of consideration.
2.  I (personally) feel shame when I get angry, which doesn't allow me to express myself clearly and I just feel BAD about the whole exchange...and I usually STILL don't get what I want.

An experiment I'm going to try is when faced with these situations ask: What would Wonder Woman do?  or What would Lysistrata do?  You may know of some other inspiring legends that would also work in this scenario.

The next time you need to fight for something, take a breath, ask yourself what you're really fighting for, and see if it's worth it. 

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Bold Choices

In life, as in art, bold choices are necessary to make an impact that people remember - and that have personal satisfaction.  Making bold choices, however, can require courage and tenacity, whereas bland choices may get you by unnoticed.

Why bother?  Being BOLD has risks of making a fool of yourself.  The first time you had a crush on someone, you may have acting in a way that did not help you get the date.  However, if you tried to get your crush's attention, any attempt to do so was BOLD.  You had something at stake, your pride and your happiness, but you pursued your crush anyway.  If the trying worked out, you may have dated this person - which was the ultimate reward!

In acting, the ultimate reward is layered.  Bold choices have to be personal to be effective and meaningful to both the actor and the audience.  When an actor chooses to invest in moments and relationships onstage personally, he or she is deciding to make a vibrant and risky choice.  As humans, we are very interested in how people maneuver risky choices.  (That's why reality shows are so popular.)

Today make the choice to be BOLD.  See what risks you take and the benefits you can reap!  Some will fall short, other bold choices will dazzle you and those around you!!!

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Is Sex All That?

You may have experienced a strong reaction to the title of this blog.  Who doesn't like sex?  Isn't sex the primal drive of all creatures?  Yet, humans are the rare species who enjoy carnal knowledge without requiring the necessary result of offspring.  In other words, sex can be a fun and highly desirable pastime.

Ironically, when the thought of being desired came into my awareness as a pre-pubescent tween, I was shocked by my shyness.  As long as I was just friends with people, I could be myself.  If I thought they "liked" me, I felt I should behave in a certain way - which made me feel embarrassed and awkward.  That feeling never really went away, I just learned how to recognize it and address those feelings over time. 

Which brings me to the sizzling experience of sex.  What I like about sexual attraction is not the baggage or insecurities that seem to crop up at the thought of being naked in front of someone else - and remaining desirable!  Rather, blood pulsing through my veins reminds me that I'm alive.  Common signs of arousal include sweating, salivating, pupil dilation, and heart rate increase.  How could I avoid knowing I'm alive when these biological signs occur?

I have to mention here that the most interesting parts of intimacy (in my view) all have to do with foreplay: kissing, touching, holding, caressing, etc. This translates to sex can be the outcome, but is not the goal - connection is.

Interestingly, studies are now supporting that men and women do not have orgasms with people they don't know well.  In fact, women orgasm far more with a sexual partner they've shared intimacy with more than 3 times.  I mention this because there seems to be a myth that supports the idea that one night stands can be sexual explosions of awesomeness.  On the contrary, trust allows a sexual relationship to flourish and be satisfying.

What are your parameters that allow you to consider moving your relationship(s) to sexual?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Set Your Worth

Women and men have long suffered inequality in the world.  I'd like to say that I think this cultural norm was unique to our culture and that I believed this disparity of equality would change...but it's not, and I don't think it will change anytime soon. 

This plays out in wages, treatment in the workplace, and hiring, to name a few areas.  For example, a physician who runs several prestigious hospitals was asked if she found it difficult to be a single mom and do her job.  I've never heard a man in the same position be asked anything about his work/family balance in the workplace.  The question came from a female colleague, which goes to show it doesn't matter your gender, some cultural stereotypes are so ingrained we won't be able to recognize them because as a culture, we are unaware that they still exist.

The bigger question is to we have the energy to change?  Do you as an individual perpetuate gender inequality?  What can you do to even the playing field?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Set the MOOD

What do you do to get in the mood for seduction or just enjoying a sensual experience?  I'm not saying you even are setting up to seduce, what I'm talking about is what you do to honor or celebrate being a sensual and sexual human being.  Music?  Candles?  Special underwear?  A bath?  A scent?  Aromatherapy? 

I think a person can enjoy that sensual edge of being alive, sometimes referred to as "horny," through enjoying a ritual.  This can express the desire to be acknowledged sensually through healthy and joyful expression. 

One of my favorite rituals is to put on music that I love and dance.  I also love baths.  And my favorite is to surprise my husband with music, candles, and a variety of sensual delights.  He once surprised me with a roaring fire, gentle soothing music, wine, and a cheese and cracker assortment.  We enjoyed a memorable and lovely evening.

What do you do to express when you're in the mood?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

  

Monogomy

Marriage or committed relationships do not have the same verve and approval they once had even as close as 100 years ago.  These days, having a "friends with benefits" type of relationship is

commonplace, though not everyone agrees with the idea or that having a relationship like that is appropriate.  They've even made movies about relationships like this (see right).

So what is the deal about staying true to someone?  Should you only be monogamous if you both agree? Where is the line of monogamy?  Is flirting off limits if you're in a relationship?

In truth, I think it all comes down to communication and what the two people in the relationship agree to as boundaries in each relationship. Talking about something after it happens is less than ideal, but at least you can talk specifically if something does occur during a relationship. 

Bottom line: say what you need and what you mean.  If the other person disagrees, you can go from there.  Not all relationships are meant to last.  However, those relationships that do last are worth  their weight in gold!

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Virgins and Sex

Holding the V-card, or virginity, for marriage is not as popular in some cultures as it once was.  Nevertheless, some people - men and women - decide to remain chaste until marriage, or until they find someone who has the qualifications necessary to inspire consummating the relationship via sexual intercourse.  The latter could include qualifications of being in love, having a relationship duration amount, or whatever the person deems necessary.

Regardless of societal or cultural demands, individuals have to determine what is right for his or her person.  Afterwards, who shares this knowledge (no longer being a virgin) comes down to personal choice.  That being said, it takes two to tango, which does increase the possibility of others learning about sexual status despite personal inclinations.  A great example of what I'm talking about here is in the movie EASY A where the main character Olive (Emma Stone) says she agrees to admitting sexual relationships with classmates, which is not true, in order to help her classmates' reputations.

What I find most refreshing about  EASY A is not that Olive actually maintains her virginity, but rather that the relationship with her mom is honest and supportive. Olive's mother played by Patricia Clarkson unabashedly shares with her daughter her own exploits as a young woman, which is touching and humerous.  In a culture where having sex with many partners can be extremely shameful, Clarkson breathes humor and charm into her past.  The fact that Olive's parents are happily married and in love underpins this lurid information for the viewer because in spite of mom's past, she's found a wonderful man who loves her for who she is.  This unconditional love is what Olive is searching for in all relationships.

...Which brings me back to virginity.  We are flawed.  We have hang ups.  We may have a past that disallows us to believe we are virgins even if that virginity was stolen (another topic to be discussed later).  When we choose to share intimacy, we are inviting that person into our lives in a unique and vulnerable way that can be dazzling and wonderful or backfire into regret.  As with all choices, spending the time to be sure of your decision is what seems most valuable.  If you're unsure, don't.  Wait until you're sure you want to share that part of yourself.

Your thoughts?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Physical Domination...delicious or scary?

In traditional 1950's America, the man was the breadwinner and the woman was the homemaker.  Now, families are more commonly two income households and IF someone stays home, the label is "stay at home mom/dad" rather than someone whose primary responsibility is to keep a spotless house. 

So what does that all mean when we get into bed?

I think it's interesting that most people tend to fixate on being either submissive or dominant rather than seeing what the day brings.  In other words, there are days that I'm tired of directing or teaching or leading and being submissive is ideal.  Then there are days when I just want to tackle my husband and make him submit to me.  Thankfully, my lover (husband) is a playful man who is adaptable and really enjoys intimacy whatever the circumstance.  I'm also clearly referring to two consenting adults.

I just have to insert here that the label "lover" has always made me smile and sometimes giggle.  It seems very 1970's to me.  The phrase "making love" also often makes me roll my eyes because I find there are much more descriptive and fun euphemisms.  For example, I enjoy the phrase "jumping his bones."  It's more active and paints a fun picture. 

I guess what I'm getting at is limiting yourself as an animal seems ridiculous.  The dance of intimacy with lovers who have been together for years or who have yet to become lovers can be a fun and wild ride.  See how you feel at any given moment and give yourself permission to express yourself as you see fit.  Growl or sigh, it's all good.

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Sexy...

I'm guessing we all have very specific ideas about what sexy is and how that idea may have changed over some experience and years.  For example, the man of my dreams when I was 20 was tall, thin, blue eyed, black hair with a rogue-ish smile.  I'm sure I read too many romance novels.  In Tammy Bleck's article examining this very topic, she states, "it's about affection, appreciation, passion, tenderness, laughter and loyalty."

Personally, I think putting yourself on the line to come onto someone who you find sexy - even if he's your partner - can be daunting sometimes.  I am a mom of an active 3 year old, who is finishing her Ph.D. (thank GOD!), who teaches college, and who runs her own business.  I don't often feel sexy enough to want to come on to my husband...even when I find him sexy.  Sexy takes energy.

And then I recall a show I watched on sex and how most people only have sex for under 10 minutes.  And not just sex in the fornication, get-it-over-with way, I mean the let's get it on growling and orgasmic way.  Ten minutes is not that long and can be quite fun.  Sex doesn't have to be a marathon to be satisfying and, well, sexy.

What I've learned about myself is that sexy has to adapt to me as I adapt to my life. I have chosen a life partner I find sexy who I enjoy fooling around with on all sorts of levels.  He's smart, funny, thoughtful, kind, affectionate, and forgiving.  To me, that's HOT.

What do you find sexy and how has that changed for you at times?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

How do men and women coexist?

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naïve or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”
― Anaïs Nin

 Misogyny is not new. That it still exists robustly around the world is a sign of how little things have changed since ancient Greece and the time Lysistrata was written by Aristophanes.  The quotes shown here by Anaïs Nin support the idea that women have to depend on themselves to create what they need.  But how do we do that if our partners are men? 

Sex strikes have become one of the tools women are using for peace.  Take that Ghandi.  Nobel peace prize recipient Leymah Gbowee won for her nonviolent work in Liberia (in which a sex strike was present and helped end the war in Liberia), which supported women's' rights.  The president of Liberia at the time, Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, was a Nobel Peace Prize laureate that year with Ms. Gbowee.  I can't help but notice that other world powers have enjoyed women as leaders of their countries, but the United States has not.  I do have hope for Hillary Clinton, but that's a topic for another time.

Perhaps the Japanese women know of Gbowee when they promised to withhold sex from any man who votes for the candidate running for Governor of Tokyo, Yoichi Masuzoe.  Masuzoe is notorious for scandals that include not paying child support.  This politician has also gone on record declaring that women are unfit to lead because their menstrual cycles make women too volatile and unstable. I'm sure Margaret Thatcher would have something to say about that.

What remains true about men and women?  Human connection through intimacy, which is often sex, is a priority.  Regardless of a person's sexual preference, this connection is a drive that is often impossible to ignore and can be very satisfying when pursued in healthy ways. 

In this blog, we'll be exploring some of the ways men and women connect inspired by the play LYSISTRATA.

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin