Talk Dirty to Me...

Some people really love to have their partners talk to them explicitly when engaging in intimate acts. Others are frustrated because they either can't talk dirty when turned on or are embarrassed and won't.

When a person is turned on, the part of the brain that is our primitive self (limbic), is engaged.  This part of our brain is also known to be where our emotions generate and where memories are stored.  Oftentimes, when this part of the brain is engaged, our more thinking/deductive reasoning part of the brain (cerebral cortex) is not at the forefront of our experience.

My deduction is that when the thinking part of the brain takes over, it's because we're thinking too much and, for whatever reason, not allowing ourselves to enjoy the moment.  Don't beat yourself up if you can't talk dirty.  Enjoy the other things you want to DO.

If you can't tell him or her exactly what you plan to do to him or her, that's a potentially good sign that you're turned on and your brain AND BODY is working just fine.  Have fun!

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Know Your Limits

There are days that people make requests of me, and sometimes I have a difference of opinion as to my participation in those requests.  What I mean is sometimes people will ask me to do things and I won't agree that I need to comply.  In other words, sometimes the most powerful word I know is "no."

I have found that when people ask things of me that I either do not agree with and do not engage with, the people asking get irritated.  This reaction usually occurs when people perceive they have power over me.  The only way I know to best combat these events that are always uncomfortable and rife with confrontation is to be as diplomatic as I know how and avoid speaking out of anger.  It doesn't always work, but practice makes perfect.

The bottom line for all is to know when you are not comfortable, ask for what you need, and know when to say NO.  Differences of opinion will always be there.  How you deal with them is a direct reflection of who you are and who you want to become.

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

When To Fight

There are moments when we all have to face a conflict that we'd rather not.  Those are the moments that we decide if we want our inner warrior to surface, if we try to be the peacemaker, or if we decide to fight another day.  There are other choices, but these are usually at the top of the list.

I've learned to pick my battles.  I used to fight for everything that I thought was important, not realizing that so many things are not as important as they seem in the moment.  The way I can tell if I need to fight for something is I can feel a sensation deep in the pit of my stomach.  My body has always been clear to me, even when my mind can muddle things.  When I feel that gut reaction, I know it is time for me to push back.  But how?

Fighting for what I need usually does not take the form of an argument.  If I cannot articulate a thoughtful, compelling reason for my needs being met, often those needs shared in the form of requests are ignored.  That's step one.  After which, if I am still willing to fight, I will state my case more plainly without blame. 

Rarely, if ever, do I resort to anger.  Though I may feel it, I have also learned two crucial truths about anger:
1. People often dismiss people who are angry as someone who cannot be rational, therefor what is being asked for is not worthy of consideration.
2.  I (personally) feel shame when I get angry, which doesn't allow me to express myself clearly and I just feel BAD about the whole exchange...and I usually STILL don't get what I want.

An experiment I'm going to try is when faced with these situations ask: What would Wonder Woman do?  or What would Lysistrata do?  You may know of some other inspiring legends that would also work in this scenario.

The next time you need to fight for something, take a breath, ask yourself what you're really fighting for, and see if it's worth it. 

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Bold Choices

In life, as in art, bold choices are necessary to make an impact that people remember - and that have personal satisfaction.  Making bold choices, however, can require courage and tenacity, whereas bland choices may get you by unnoticed.

Why bother?  Being BOLD has risks of making a fool of yourself.  The first time you had a crush on someone, you may have acting in a way that did not help you get the date.  However, if you tried to get your crush's attention, any attempt to do so was BOLD.  You had something at stake, your pride and your happiness, but you pursued your crush anyway.  If the trying worked out, you may have dated this person - which was the ultimate reward!

In acting, the ultimate reward is layered.  Bold choices have to be personal to be effective and meaningful to both the actor and the audience.  When an actor chooses to invest in moments and relationships onstage personally, he or she is deciding to make a vibrant and risky choice.  As humans, we are very interested in how people maneuver risky choices.  (That's why reality shows are so popular.)

Today make the choice to be BOLD.  See what risks you take and the benefits you can reap!  Some will fall short, other bold choices will dazzle you and those around you!!!

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Is Sex All That?

You may have experienced a strong reaction to the title of this blog.  Who doesn't like sex?  Isn't sex the primal drive of all creatures?  Yet, humans are the rare species who enjoy carnal knowledge without requiring the necessary result of offspring.  In other words, sex can be a fun and highly desirable pastime.

Ironically, when the thought of being desired came into my awareness as a pre-pubescent tween, I was shocked by my shyness.  As long as I was just friends with people, I could be myself.  If I thought they "liked" me, I felt I should behave in a certain way - which made me feel embarrassed and awkward.  That feeling never really went away, I just learned how to recognize it and address those feelings over time. 

Which brings me to the sizzling experience of sex.  What I like about sexual attraction is not the baggage or insecurities that seem to crop up at the thought of being naked in front of someone else - and remaining desirable!  Rather, blood pulsing through my veins reminds me that I'm alive.  Common signs of arousal include sweating, salivating, pupil dilation, and heart rate increase.  How could I avoid knowing I'm alive when these biological signs occur?

I have to mention here that the most interesting parts of intimacy (in my view) all have to do with foreplay: kissing, touching, holding, caressing, etc. This translates to sex can be the outcome, but is not the goal - connection is.

Interestingly, studies are now supporting that men and women do not have orgasms with people they don't know well.  In fact, women orgasm far more with a sexual partner they've shared intimacy with more than 3 times.  I mention this because there seems to be a myth that supports the idea that one night stands can be sexual explosions of awesomeness.  On the contrary, trust allows a sexual relationship to flourish and be satisfying.

What are your parameters that allow you to consider moving your relationship(s) to sexual?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Set Your Worth

Women and men have long suffered inequality in the world.  I'd like to say that I think this cultural norm was unique to our culture and that I believed this disparity of equality would change...but it's not, and I don't think it will change anytime soon. 

This plays out in wages, treatment in the workplace, and hiring, to name a few areas.  For example, a physician who runs several prestigious hospitals was asked if she found it difficult to be a single mom and do her job.  I've never heard a man in the same position be asked anything about his work/family balance in the workplace.  The question came from a female colleague, which goes to show it doesn't matter your gender, some cultural stereotypes are so ingrained we won't be able to recognize them because as a culture, we are unaware that they still exist.

The bigger question is to we have the energy to change?  Do you as an individual perpetuate gender inequality?  What can you do to even the playing field?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin

Set the MOOD

What do you do to get in the mood for seduction or just enjoying a sensual experience?  I'm not saying you even are setting up to seduce, what I'm talking about is what you do to honor or celebrate being a sensual and sexual human being.  Music?  Candles?  Special underwear?  A bath?  A scent?  Aromatherapy? 

I think a person can enjoy that sensual edge of being alive, sometimes referred to as "horny," through enjoying a ritual.  This can express the desire to be acknowledged sensually through healthy and joyful expression. 

One of my favorite rituals is to put on music that I love and dance.  I also love baths.  And my favorite is to surprise my husband with music, candles, and a variety of sensual delights.  He once surprised me with a roaring fire, gentle soothing music, wine, and a cheese and cracker assortment.  We enjoyed a memorable and lovely evening.

What do you do to express when you're in the mood?

Copyright 2014 Heather Corwin